I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
