you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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