Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
