Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
