I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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