I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We're too hungover to prance.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
