I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
