If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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