Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
