It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
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