i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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