It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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