don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
