so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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