Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I would ride that face into the sunset
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize