We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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