the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
