Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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