There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
