so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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