are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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