my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
