I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
