I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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