I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize