Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
