now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just want nice things and good sex
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
