I can text with my tongue
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
