Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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