I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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