Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
