yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
