I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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