The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
