If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize