I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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