Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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