He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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