I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
