I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize