There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
