Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
