I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
