You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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