Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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