You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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