When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
