Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
