Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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