The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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