Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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