What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
