i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
