She said her name was "party"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
