You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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