Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Randomize
