I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
