Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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