I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
