if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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