There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
