i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
