She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
