fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
